Feeling "of two minds"? This meditation can broker compromise
Applying Internal Family Systems on the cushion with Jeremy Mohler, in memory of Ralph de la Rosa
Anger and tenderness: my selves.
And now I can believe they breathe in me
as angels, not polarities.
Anger and tenderness: the spider's genius
to spin and weave in the same action
from her own body, anywhere—
even from a broken web.
— from “Integrity” by Adrienne Rich
In this interview with Meredith Rodriguez, she and I spoke about being able to calmly inform our children, when they are at their most demanding, that you are not the only person in the car — and, where necessary, to tell the adults in our lives the same thing.
Certainly, if this week’s events are any indication, our world leaders could stand to hear these words more often than they do. The No Kings protests were an important way of voicing disagreement with their actions, and more are scheduled for June 17, in honor of the Civil Rights hero John Lewis. These are encouraging signs that a great many of us want to see these leaders pump the brakes, now, before we all careen off the edge of a cliff.
One of the biggest challenges of this era is the sheer number of existentially important issues and polarized viewpoints we are being asked to parse, every day. Many of us struggle leap right into action when a new crisis arises, or downshift our nervous systems into calm after we’ve survived one — not because we’re apathetic, but because we’re deeply feeling. It takes time for our brains to return to what educator and brain researcher Dan Siegel would call an “integrated state” after every upset. Especially if we would otherwise be inclined to disappear into holes of avoidance, or to flee, freeze or start a conflict, rather than to navigate the situation calmly and skillfully.
Sometimes, this means we also need time to have an internal huddle, to break through any internal conflicts we might have, between two “selves” inside of us with differing opinions on how to proceed.
For example, as Adrienne Rich writes above, many of us contain both Anger and Tenderness, two “polarities”who might be expected to have very different takes on things, whether we’re considering the prospect of entering another overseas conflict, or just trying to get from point A to B on our next road trip.
Interestingly, mental health professionals who work within the Internal Family Systems (IFS) model in their practice often employ a very similar term — polarization — to talk about situations in which two parts of ourselves are at odds. These “parts” can butt heads in the same way that we can often be at odds with our actual family members in the “car” of life, and that two political parties or countries can be at odds in a larger cultural conflict.
One method for working with this kind of suffering is to convene an internal “family meeting.” How can we do this? Below, therapist
and I offer some concepts from the worlds of both psychology and Buddhist meditation, inspired by the work of Ralph de la Rosa, a mentor of Jeremy’s and a special person to many others in the mindfulness community, who recently passed away.1May our words and Ralph’s timeless ideas be of benefit to anyone who’s feeling overwhelmed by the many competing voices and choices coming our way, during this very tricky week in our history.
I (Ryan) have long been fascinated by the Internal Family Systems model, originated by Dick Schwartz to help explain and ease the suffering of many people who feel trapped in self-sabotaging behaviors or unable to make lasting life changes. As Schwartz surmises, we are not so much a self as we are a composite of many selves — an Internal Family, with members of various ages and persuasions, and many long-standing conflicts between them.
In IFS, folks are guided to help their many parts engage in more productive dialogue, which often results in innovative solutions and insights.
Jeremy and I have both practiced with IFS-inspired meditations; he offers one such exercise below. In my experience, this is deep and effective everyday magic, from which many people can benefit. Ralph de la Rosa, a meditator in the Vajryana Buddhist tradition and an innovative therapist, felt similarly. As Ralph points out, IFS is just one name for a set of helpful concepts that have been discovered, over and over, in many other cultures and modalities:
IFS is not unique in thinking that we are each essentially a dynamic system of interwoven parts, each enacting a function in service of our being. This thinking is present in Jungian psycho-analysis, gestalt therapy, Psychoanalytic Energy Psychotherapy, Voice Dialog, Co-Active coaching, and in ancient aboriginal, animistic, and shamanic traditions the world over… Essentially, IFS is just wrapping contemporary language and concepts around a universal reality that has always been there.
What Ralph finds helpful about the IFS way of thinking is the way that it sorts the many competing voices and prerogatives inside of us into four “aspects of psyche.”
Below, we’ll offer a brief rundown of these four aspects, before inviting you to see whether it’s possible to experience them in yourself via a guided audio meditation.
1) Managers
These are the bossy older siblings of our minds, entities that relish the role of keeping other parts in line and the trains of our lives running on time. (I call mine “Cruise Director Stacy.”)
As Ralph notes:
“Their most important job is to make sure none of our most hurt and vulnerable parts come to the surface, where they might be exposed to further hurt. A manager will preempt you from taking a risk at work or in your relationship, even if it could ultimately lead to fulfillment and growth. A manager will tell you perhaps it's not the best idea to write the book, take the salsa lesson, or hop in the car and take the spontaneous road trip. A manager will tell you perhaps it's better to stay home, to stick to the routine, to default to the safest choice—which is usually the most lifeless choice. Sadly, there are many people who live in such states their whole lives.”
Managers often need to be reminded by a more mature aspect of our consciousness that they only have a learner’s permit, and thus are not allowed to drive the car alone.
2) Exiles
These are small, scared, and often ignored parts of us. They may have been frozen in time during moments or seasons of trauma, or who represent rejected aspects of the whole of which we feel ashamed, aspects that still require integration. These parts require help from a more mature aspect of our consciousness to feel heard. See also: Bruno in Encanto.
As Ralph writes:
“Exiles are the parts of us that absorb all that has not been fully processed through our system, all that at one time was too hot to handle, too painful to look at. Due to our survival instinct that compels us to circumvent pain, these are the parts of us that we attempt to keep locked up and out of view… Richard Schwartz sometimes refers to these parts as ‘basement children’ because we tend to hold them down in unconscious regions of the mind in hope that they might wither away and disappear entirely. Yet, to paraphrase Schwartz further, we often hear them calling up to us through the floorboards…”
Ralph points out that it takes real energy to keep these exiles suppressed, as it would to keep a hundred corks permanently submerged underwater.
Our exiles often need us to ask our inner protectors to step aside, so that they can be heard, offer up their wisdom, and release whatever burdens they’ve been carrying. This frees up energy for us to move forward, having integrated them into the fullness of our being.
3) Firefighters
Firefighters are the parts of our psyche that rush to the scene whenever an exile has escaped from the grip of a manager, unless a more mature part of our consciousness steps in to say they’ve got the situation handled. They, too, often date back to times in our lives where we did not have other options besides silencing ourselves to stay safe. They are the middle sibling punching the younger one to keep them from crying out in pain, fear, anger, or sadness, and thus attracting the negative attention of a scary authority figure. Like managers, they’re well-intentioned, but without a lot of tools or nuance.
Often when we hear loud inner critic voices inside of us, or feel extremely compelling invitations to engage in addictive or compulsive behavior, it is not our wisest selves speaking, but a panicked firefighter part. One who may or may not be needed on the scene anymore. (A friend of mine refers to one of her more self-critical Firefighters as “Lil’ Hater,” because he’s sent more diss raps her way than Kendrick has done for Drake.)
As Ralph writes:
These are the parts wisely driven to keep me safe but that, like our managers and exiles, also tend to be a bit misguided. My firefighters manifested in the form of irritation and anger in a futile attempt to push back at the situation. In a more extreme situation wherein core hurts get more substantially triggered (think: fighting with a lover), these parts could compel me toward drug use (in the past, at least), aggression, overeating, and other forms of self-medicating to smother the "fire" of my exiles busting out of the basement.
Firefighters often need to be updated on the fact that we are adults now, with many other options besides resorting to bar brawls, disordered eating behavior, or violations of international human rights laws to stay safe. Like exiles, they often have very sad stories to tell about how they came to exist in our psyches in the first place. And, like managers, they need to feel that another capable entity is in charge in order to stand down.
4) The capital-S Self / self-energy
So who is this more mature, capable entity, with the power to scoot managers out of the driver’s seat, heal and hear our inner exiles, and reassure and unburden our firefighters?
In IFS, this part is called the Self, with a capital S.2 While we might think of this quite naturally as the adult driving the car, and sometimes, I do that, it is not considered a “part” like the rest. It is the mature part of our consciousness that helps to unburden, comfort, align and regulate our parts. It is who we are when our brains are in the aforementioned integrated state.
How do we know when we’re connecting with the Self, rather than just a very competent part? In IFS, the key traits of the capital-S Self are known as the Four C’s of self-energy: calm, creativity, curiosity, and compassion. When you are able to cultivate or feel these qualities, chances are, you’re in a place where you can convene a meeting between your parts, without getting sucked into acting like one.
As Ralph writes:
[This] natural state is what we experience when all other parts of us relax and dissipate… like a clear and warm center revealed as our inner tussle seems to fall back. In Buddhism, it is sometimes pointed to as the natural warmth of awareness itself. Self-energy is what's most likely present in the expansive moments when we feel connected in the flow or spontaneously warm toward another being.
Buddhist meditators might call this experience of open, spacious, compassionate awareness an experience of our “Buddha nature,” a sense of ourselves that is perhaps even older and wiser than a parent, or a grandparent. One that is as wide as the earth, as deep as the ocean, whereas our parts are, as Ralph puts it, simply “the waves.”
Transforming polarities into angels
In the following meditation,
gives us a taste of what it’s like to cultivate self-energy by grounding into the body, and releasing any discursive thoughts.Then, after we stabilize our attention, he invites us to bring to mind a situation in which we acted in a way that elicited confusion or frustration with regard to our own behavior, rather than calm, creativity, curiosity and compassion. These moments, in IFS, are known as “trailheads” — invitations to go exploring our inner landscapes, and to ask our parts to meet together in a safe, wide open clearing. To broker peace inside of ourselves, where once we may have felt on the brink of war, or stuck in a seemingly infinite stalemate.
Note: When exploring polarities, it is not so important to make a choice between them as to inquire into why a choice might feel so hard to make. Are there parts of us that are for it? Against it? Why? How can we give them both a hearing? Is compromise possible?
Entering into this kind of meditation with an open mind, and a few open-ended questions like these, can often be a very gentle way to untangle conflicts inside of our psyches that have been raging for decades.
And who knows? Perhaps if enough of us practice with our internal conflicts in this way, we’ll be ready to wage peace in this gentle, spacious and open-ended manner with regards to outside conflicts too, should the situation call for it.
Further reading
This interview between Ralph de la Rosa and John Clarke, another therapist who uses IFS in his practice, offers an even deeper dive into his intuitive takes on the intersections between Western psychology and Eastern wisdom traditions.
The above words come from Ralph de la Rosa’s book “The Monkey is the Messenger.” While the book discusses many other concepts besides the Buddhism-IFS intersection, I think this is is strongest section. It also comes with several additional guided meditations that go along with his wise words. Overall, a great addition to any mindfulness bookshelf.
If you liked Jeremy’s meditation above, please check out our conversation here about the other concepts he uses to relate to some of his more fearful parts, and his piece here in
on how meditation has helped him, a therapist, in ways that both complement and go beyond therapy.
Also: Save the Date for Our Upcoming Circle Series!
Holding space for the kids inside and outside of our psyches is hard work, y’all. And we weren’t meant to do it alone. Please save the date for these upcoming conversations. Our aim is for you to leave each one feeling calmer, curious, and connected to both your capital-S self and to a larger community of caregivers that Get It.
Caring for K-12 kids: Tues July 8, 10:30am EST
Affirming neurodivergence (ours and/or our kids'): Tues August 5th, 10:30am EST
Caring for other adults: Tues Sept 2, 10:30am EST
Navigating cross-generational conversations about care: Tues Sept 30, 10:30am EST
Making space for grief: Tues Oct 28, 10:30am EST
Burnout prevention: Dec 2, 10:30am EST (note: this is the week after Thanksgiving)
Note: if you’re not signed up to get the Zoom invites for our community gatherings, please click the button below to get on the invite list, which keeps the Zoom container secure and workable for all.
To learn more about Ralph’s life, please see this lovely post by
, as well as this one by Lodro’s partner .For Buddhists who are new to IFS, the nomenclature surrounding the idea of Self and self-energy can be confusing, because part of the work of Buddhist meditation is to take the whole idea of a separate self — of things being “mine” or “theirs,” for example — much less seriously. (This delightful essay by
offers further insight into how contemplating no-self, or anatta, looks in practice.) But as Ralph points out in his book, and as we note here, the capital-S self in IFS correlates most closely with the Buddhist notion of "Buddha nature,” as well as"Source" in many Native American traditions. It is not talking about the egoic, lower-case-s self from which we are meant to be liberated through Buddhist practice. | A guest post by
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Ryan, thank you so much for linking my essay in your footnote as further reading on this so-called "self." I really appreciate it, and in fact, I enjoyed re-reading the essay myself haha!
Keep up the great work, Ryan!
Thanks you two for sharing this incredibly useful, beautifully written primer to IFS, and for evoking Ralph, who was a luminous ball of insight from experience. This is just such a helpful framework for relating to ourselves (and others). 💛 Looking forward to listening to Jeremy’s meditation — who’s work I love on Instagram (which sounds ridiculous as I type it, but here we are).