I have to say this counter-intuitive framing didn't feel accurate to me at first, but having read the piece and sat with your perspective, I see what you mean. I have had seasons where I couldn't create a thing, and couldn't imagine a life beyond day-to-day survival. And I've had seasons which were busy and somewhat frantic but when I was beavering away toward a creative project. I'm thinking of the pieces I wrote on my iPhone commuting on a sweaty bus or all the time I spent doing mindless manual work while listening to podcasts that got my intellectual wheels turning. More than anything, I've learned that a completely empty day with nothing to do but create sometimes provokes a kind of writerly stage fright. Sometimes, creativity comes from being pulled along in the rush of life and seeing that there's a space to make something amidst the rush. Thank you for sharing. This post made me think.
Clare, I'm honored that you took the time to read, and then to sit, and then to write this beautiful description of your own creative practices during busy seasons. I've been right there with you on that proverbial sweaty bus. I'd be interested to know more about how your mileage (pun not totally intended) varies from what's on offer here.
I love this so much. Thank you for sharing. Inspired by the book Fair Play (which I still haven’t read!) I made a spreadsheet of every single little household or family related task my husband and I are responsible for and what percentage each of us took on that task. For example, dishwashing: 50/50. Taking care of our son when our childcare falls through or he’s sick: Me 100%, Him: 0%. I even made different categories for daily vs. weekly vs. monthly vs. infrequent tasks to truly capture ALL the buckets. Looking at it together was SO validating and really made visible all the invisible labor that was feeling overwhelming. It also illuminated the tasks that were the most meaningful for us to share more evenly and the ones we were ok with taking 100% ownership of.
I also began reading the book Wild Words which is all about approaching writing and creativity from different seasons in our lives (I started with the chapter “The Season of Early Parenting) and have never felt more seen. 🥹 More seasonal creativity tools and perspectives from women based on nature and our actual lives experience of being human, please!
Oh wow, yes please! That sounds like an incredible book. I will also say that Zawn Villines has a very valid piece critiquing Fair Play that I recommend — tldr, if you don’t have a partner willing to do it with you in good faith, it doesn’t work. And you can’t buy an off the shelf solution for that. It sounds like you had a great convo with your self-devised system though?
Yes! My husband and I are both sort of “systems” minded and it helped to have specific, tangible examples (like the Fair Play cards, I assume!) to look at the data together. He is, amazing and I’m grateful I felt safe and respected enough to even breach the convo. Not the marriage my parents had, for sure. AND it’s still hard. 💗
I would say the same of me and my partner. I don't buy the Fair Play argument that men are just dumb and need women to lay this all out for them, teacher-style -- I think that parentifies women and infantilizes men. But I do think that as a teacher myself, talking about things that are abstract doesn't work for every brain. So by providing visuals, concrete examples and/or spreadsheets that give us a basis of shared reality, we can often have a much more productive conversation between equals. I think that's the main utility of the FP system and a basically good one. Making a DIY version of this that accomplishes the same things might be even more meaningful, because you're co-constructing not just the content but the way to talk about the content together.
That said, if the causes and conditions of one or both partner's socialization have resulted in them being unable to actually have this conversation between equals, in a safe and respectful way, then the problems go deeper, and trying to use FP may just prolong the suffering. And I'm not out here telling any exhausted caregiver that they need to keep doing that. This is the crux of Villines' critique, and the part that I agree with.
This process takes a lot of discernment, is what I'm saying! So kudos to you both for using yours in the service of supporting one another. It's so hard, and so worth the hard.
If you're ever interested in chatting more about this, it could be a very cool interview topic. LMK!
That “doing mindless manual work while listening to podcasts that [get] my intellectual wheels turning” is the one thing I can count on myself to do consistently. I feel validated. This post, and now this comment, are making me think. 💭
I have to say this counter-intuitive framing didn't feel accurate to me at first, but having read the piece and sat with your perspective, I see what you mean. I have had seasons where I couldn't create a thing, and couldn't imagine a life beyond day-to-day survival. And I've had seasons which were busy and somewhat frantic but when I was beavering away toward a creative project. I'm thinking of the pieces I wrote on my iPhone commuting on a sweaty bus or all the time I spent doing mindless manual work while listening to podcasts that got my intellectual wheels turning. More than anything, I've learned that a completely empty day with nothing to do but create sometimes provokes a kind of writerly stage fright. Sometimes, creativity comes from being pulled along in the rush of life and seeing that there's a space to make something amidst the rush. Thank you for sharing. This post made me think.
Clare, I'm honored that you took the time to read, and then to sit, and then to write this beautiful description of your own creative practices during busy seasons. I've been right there with you on that proverbial sweaty bus. I'd be interested to know more about how your mileage (pun not totally intended) varies from what's on offer here.
I love this so much. Thank you for sharing. Inspired by the book Fair Play (which I still haven’t read!) I made a spreadsheet of every single little household or family related task my husband and I are responsible for and what percentage each of us took on that task. For example, dishwashing: 50/50. Taking care of our son when our childcare falls through or he’s sick: Me 100%, Him: 0%. I even made different categories for daily vs. weekly vs. monthly vs. infrequent tasks to truly capture ALL the buckets. Looking at it together was SO validating and really made visible all the invisible labor that was feeling overwhelming. It also illuminated the tasks that were the most meaningful for us to share more evenly and the ones we were ok with taking 100% ownership of.
I also began reading the book Wild Words which is all about approaching writing and creativity from different seasons in our lives (I started with the chapter “The Season of Early Parenting) and have never felt more seen. 🥹 More seasonal creativity tools and perspectives from women based on nature and our actual lives experience of being human, please!
Oh wow, yes please! That sounds like an incredible book. I will also say that Zawn Villines has a very valid piece critiquing Fair Play that I recommend — tldr, if you don’t have a partner willing to do it with you in good faith, it doesn’t work. And you can’t buy an off the shelf solution for that. It sounds like you had a great convo with your self-devised system though?
Yes! My husband and I are both sort of “systems” minded and it helped to have specific, tangible examples (like the Fair Play cards, I assume!) to look at the data together. He is, amazing and I’m grateful I felt safe and respected enough to even breach the convo. Not the marriage my parents had, for sure. AND it’s still hard. 💗
I would say the same of me and my partner. I don't buy the Fair Play argument that men are just dumb and need women to lay this all out for them, teacher-style -- I think that parentifies women and infantilizes men. But I do think that as a teacher myself, talking about things that are abstract doesn't work for every brain. So by providing visuals, concrete examples and/or spreadsheets that give us a basis of shared reality, we can often have a much more productive conversation between equals. I think that's the main utility of the FP system and a basically good one. Making a DIY version of this that accomplishes the same things might be even more meaningful, because you're co-constructing not just the content but the way to talk about the content together.
That said, if the causes and conditions of one or both partner's socialization have resulted in them being unable to actually have this conversation between equals, in a safe and respectful way, then the problems go deeper, and trying to use FP may just prolong the suffering. And I'm not out here telling any exhausted caregiver that they need to keep doing that. This is the crux of Villines' critique, and the part that I agree with.
This process takes a lot of discernment, is what I'm saying! So kudos to you both for using yours in the service of supporting one another. It's so hard, and so worth the hard.
If you're ever interested in chatting more about this, it could be a very cool interview topic. LMK!
That “doing mindless manual work while listening to podcasts that [get] my intellectual wheels turning” is the one thing I can count on myself to do consistently. I feel validated. This post, and now this comment, are making me think. 💭
So glad you had that experience. Sometimes it's all I can manage as well! Usually when I'm doing dishes or folding laundry.