Cooking up new chosen family traditions
Morlene Chin returns to tell us how she books a table for all her besties, every month
Recently my community-building efforts have centered on growing our online community, or sangha (you can read more about that here). My motives are selfish: I’m one of the few Buddhist meditators I know in my network of suburban parents and queer city-dwellers, and I want to find the others. But as
wrote recently in “Posting Less,” we need to see our dear old friends in person, not just online, in order to truly feel seen. And I hunger for that too.It is my personal dream to start a monthly in-person gathering of some of my favorite families, here in New England. I long for us to enjoying the snow together in winter instead of remaining isolated in our cold little houses. I imagine us welcoming spring together in the grass (or…still the snow, as the case may be). I see us heading to the beach with a dozen of my besties and their kids in summertime. I want to pick apples and make pie with my family, both biological and chosen, as fall rolls around.
So, I asked Morlene Chin, author of Ask a Hedonist and subject of this thoughtful recent interview on In Tending, to give us her “recipe” for gathering her community together in a consistent way, which she does every month.
Here’s how she described these get togethers in her interview:
For most of the last decade, my partner and I have gotten friends together to break bread on the last Friday of every month. The dinners almost always take place at a Chinese restaurant, because of the communal nature of family style dinners at Chinese restaurants, and how lax they tend to be about folks coming in and out at different times.
At some point during our meal, each person will share with the group one thing that’s going right in their life. It’s a beautiful exercise, and also a great way to celebrate each other’s wins and catch up on what everyone’s up to.
We’ve fondly dubbed the dinner “Chinese Dinner” or sometimes “Gratitude Dinner.” People have shared about so many things: dumping a toxic ex, paying off their student loans, creating a video game, or even escaping death!
New York can sometimes feel so isolating, and this community has been a little oasis for so many. I love witnessing my friend’s journeys and creating a sense of belonging.
Our largest dinner ever was the 100th dinner, with 100 attendees, but the average dinner has about 30 people in attendance. People come and go over the years, but our monthly tradition has remained constant—we’re currently on Dinner #114!
Having attended these dinners, I always emerge with a newfound sense of connection to community and to inspiration — which I know many of us may need as we face down 2025.
If you’re interested in cooking something like this up in your area, read on for Morlene’s top ten lessons learned from her 100-plus dinners with friends. (She may have even convinced me not to drag my chosen family to all these far-flung locations of my dreams, and just to pick one great family restaurant for all seasons — one that’s willing to overlook some far-flung food on the floor.)
Choose a consistent time and place. We’ve found monthly gatherings at a restaurant in Chinatown have worked well-- the atmosphere is relaxed and the family-style communal dining lends itself well to community building.
Keep it open and inclusive: invite friends, colleagues, friends of friends. The diversity of the group is what makes it special. Consider what groups you might not be reaching and how you can make it further inclusive for everyone.
Establish a simple ritual: for us, it’s sharing one thing that’s going right in each person’s life. It’s a practice we’ve had at every dinner without fail and makes each person more memorable.
Some parameters are great for keeping order, but you have to let go of enforcing too many rules. For our dinners, the casual nature is part of its charm.
Balance structure and spontaneity. Allow room for organic conversations and connections to flourish.
Make it a judgment-free zone. Foster an atmosphere where people feel safe to share authentically and be vulnerable.
Be patient. Community-building takes time. Don’t worry if you’re not reaching your audience, or if attendance fluctuates at first.
Consider accessibility. Choose a location that’s easy to get to; consider people’s different physical needs and their dietary restrictions.
Lead with authenticity. I like to be one of the first to share, to set an example of what it’s like to be vulnerable in that setting. It sets the tone for others to do the same.
Celebrate milestones. Acknowledge significant moments in the community’s journey. For our 100th dinner last summer, we plussed it up by renting out a dance hall, hiring a DJ, bartender, and videographer.
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Housekeeping notes to wrap up 2025:
This is the last installment of In Tending you’ll receive until the new year. Along with many others, I am feeling the call to winter in order to work up the energy for all this gathering in 2025. (You too? Let’s discuss: I wrote about wintering and rest last year too, and many folks since then have said the resources I included at the end were helpful to them.)
Relatedly, our next In Tending online gathering will be held in January, date TBD. If you’d like to be among the first to receive an update when we’ve got a date planned (or even to be part of the planning itself), you’ll find all the details and a sign-up form here at this link.
I will be co-facilitating my next closed grief and healing group for survivors of perinatal loss starting on Thursday, Jan. 23, along with Emily Marlowe, a gifted therapist and fellow loss parent. If you know someone who needs this support, please forward them this email or send them the link to register here: https://rtzhope.org/register
What a cool concept, I wish I still lived in NYC to participate in this lovely community ritual!