In Tending online gatherings: Everything you need to know

Who, where, what, how -- and why we need a mindfulness community just for caregivers.

As I’ve written before, caregivers are the experts on the ways in which our current crises are impacting our most vulnerable community members, and how best to compassionately respond. We have a lot to offer modern mindfulness communities in this regard (not to mention modern policymakers).

However, the timing, pacing, pricing structures and overall vibe of meditation and yoga spaces in the West can also feel less-than-inclusive for those with caregiving responsibilities — not to mention those who are not also white, able-bodied, young, thin, neurotypical-presenting, and/or upper-middle class. This leaves out a lot of people.

Enter: In Tending online gatherings, geared around the needs and schedules of caregivers who are interested in practicing mindfulness in community.

Below, please find answers to the FAQs people asked before joining us for our kick-off conversation last week, as well as information on how to get on the invite list for our next gathering.

Who counts as a caregiver?

Anyone who spends a significant portion of the day tending others, tending community, and/or tending the earth.

This means not just teachers and nurses, but also body workers, food service professionals, farmers, adult children who care for elderly or sick relatives, and parents of all gender identities who work inside the home.

That said, you do not have to be the caregiver of a living biological loved one to be here. People who are battling chronic illness, infertility and loss on their path to family-building, or who are grieving the loss of a family member for whom they were caring, are spending a significant portion of the day tending someone — themselves.

TLDR: for now, it’s a big tent. We leave it up to you to decide if it’s the one for you.

Who facilitates these gatherings?

Ryan (here’s more about me here) and Meredith Rodriguez (a dear friend of the newsletter). We are both experienced facilitators, educators and parents, with a great deal of combined experience in supporting aging parents, loved ones with chronic illnesses, children with special needs, children of color, and queer folks.

We also both have backgrounds in leading mindfulness and writing work, which we love offering during our gatherings.

It is our pleasure to hold the space for you.

What happens during an In Tending online gathering?

We spend an hour or so together. During this hour, we:

• Review a few norms (see below) that we’ve found help people to be brave together and cool to each other. 

• Offer some guided meditation. 

• Have a circle-style discussion about how we’re feeling, with equitable talk time for all. 

• Offer a creative prompt to help us channel what we’re collectively feeling into art, activism or both. 

• Talk about the next gathering — when it will happen, what we might like to discuss, and anything else that needs to shift to be more inclusive or responsive to the people in the room.

Here are a few other things people often say they are seeking, and can’t find in other online or offline gathering spaces:

• A sense of being seen and affirmed as a caregiver across many spaces – whether we are caring for young kids, struggling partners, patients/students, and/or aging elders 

• A group offering support in beginning or returning to an intentional mindfulness practice as a way of tending to ourselves amidst all of this, as well as a way of bringing peace to our wider communities. 

• A group to normalize the inherent tensions between mindfulness and caregiving, as well as the joyful intersections between them. 

• A community of people who will Go There, beyond the surface level – offering not just small talk or “venting,” but fun and laughs, a place to share ideas for action, advocacy and art, and gentle accountability when we find any of this hard to access. 

• Communion with those who value liberation, equality and justice.

What else do I need to know before joining an In Tending gathering?

Caregiving is personal; it is also political. We’ve found that having a set of community norms helps to keep our discussions focused on the intentions above, and to set our gatherings apart from other gatherings that may feel more like informal venting sessions or formal workshops.

Please read these norms before you sign up.

• Be you, but also be mindful of others. Be you means that if you need to cry, cry. If you need to swear, swear. But be mindful of how you discuss issues that may also touch others deeply, in ways that are different from yours. In this community are people who have very personal experiences tied to the major ideological issues impacting modern caregivers. There are people who have ended pregnancies, people who have loved ones living in the Middle East, and people who identify as trans or nonbinary. There are people who are well-supported by friends and family, even the ones who drive them crazy, and people who are scraping by with very little in the way of in-person sangha. What feels abstract to you may feel visceral to others, and what feels like a given or obvious to you is not to others. Given that:

• Use “I” statements. It would be very easy, given our current political context, to begin to talk about other groups of people for whom you are either very worried, or towards whom you are feeling anger. In our groups, we aim to stay grounded in sharing the particulars of our own care contexts – what’s hard or joyful for us – rather than making generalizations about what things might be like for other people. 

• Connect and care, but don’t compare. This is related to the one above. It’s OK to reference what other people have said in our discussions – for example, “Wow, I’m a teacher too, and I totally get why this is a hard time” – but please don’t compare or frame your situation as better or worse. Your hardest thing is your hardest thing. The same is true for others.

• No fixing or advice unless it is requested. This is a big one for us as caregivers. We are all adults, and it is important to respect our fellow adults by not presuming we know the answers, while also respecting our own time and energy by not offering from an already depleted place. This includes sharing resources in the chat, etc. (We keep a separate doc for those who are interested.) In this space, just listening and speaking from the heart is enough.

• Expect and accept non-closure. We aren’t going to solve any of the issues we discuss in a single night. Our intention is to build a community with the capacity to support us as we consider the next right thing in our respective communities.

Do I have to pay to join?

We welcome donations, in alignment with the longstanding tradition of dana in many mindfulness communities. (See Insight Meditation Society’s explanation of this, for one example.) However, if cost is a barrier, you can indicate this in the form below and we’ll work to get you access to our community, no questions asked.

As Substack only has a few limited options for payment, we’ve added a few of our own below. Here’s how you can contribute:

• Monthly subscriptions still cost $5/month. You can sign up now and cancel anytime.

• Yearly subscriptions for this newsletter will now cost $30, the minimum allowed by Substack (and a 50% savings if you plan on sticking around for the year). This includes ongoing access to our groups. These subscriptions help to defray the cost of a paid Zoom to pull us together synchronously, and to use the paywall to create a private space where circle members can connect asynchronously between Zoom sessions.

• Sustainer memberships will now cost $75. This means you’re covering your own costs plus the costs of someone who can’t afford them, and allowing us to do more outreach to connect with more people.

• You can also use Buy Me a Coffee to offer a donation of a different amount, from $1-100. No questions asked.

Okay, I’m in. Where and when do the meetings take place?

Currently, we’re using Zoom and targeting evenings on the East Coast, but we hope to offer more sessions for different time zones and schedules as we build this community.

To stay up to date on these developments and be placed on the email list for the next Zoom meeting and link, please fill out this brief form.

We look forward to meeting you!

— Ryan and Meredith