Tending as resistance with writer/editor Heidi Fiedler
And what she's learned from interviewing nearly 100 mothers on what they make
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Motherhood is inherently creative. I’ve found I’m more creatively ambitious in motherhood. I have bigger, more interesting ideas, creative work is more precious to me, and I feel more urgency around sharing my vision. — Heidi Fiedler
“There are so many parallels between tending plants and cultivating creativity,” she writes. “Ideas are like seeds, waiting for the right moment to grow. Creativity requires patience and consistency, and still there’s no way to force something to happen.”
As an avid gardener myself, I feel the same. I tackled this topic recently in an interview I did for Heidi’s interview series, Mothers Who Make.
The interview was such fun that I invited Heidi to come over and discuss her work on this with subscribers here in greater depth.
Below, we discuss:
What Heidi’s learned from interviewing dozens of mothers who make things
How she tends her own body and creative self
How to nurture creative communities, on- and offline, that meet the needs of busy caregivers.
If you, like Heidi and I, find yourself creating mainly in “tiny pockets of time” these days, while trying to separate the signal of your inner voice from the currently-earsplitting cultural noise around us, I hope you’ll see something of yourself in the discussion that follows.
What’s something you love tending right now?
I’ve been a writer and an editor for almost 20 years, and it’s been an honor to tend to my books and care for the writers that I work with. With client work and personal projects, I often work on several books at a time, and I feel like a gardener, checking in with my books each day to see what needs care and attention.
There are so many parallels between tending plants and cultivating creativity. Ideas are like seeds, waiting for the right moment to grow. Creativity requires patience and consistency, and still there’s no way to force something to happen. Taking my own ideas seriously, checking in with my clients, and caring for our books until they’re ready to be shared with the world has brought me a lot of joy and satisfaction.
What is your earliest memory of tending another being?
This question gave me a pang! Maybe because I don’t have any clear memories of caring for something before my son was born. Care giving is so undervalued, and it wasn’t really acknowledged or celebrated when I was growing up.
I begged my mom for a cat when I was a kid, and eventually we got one, but even though I changed his litter box, I never really saw it as caring for a creature. I definitely took care of my friends and later my husband, but we never called it that.
I knew I wanted to be a mom, but when we adopted our son, neither my husband or I had ever changed a diaper before. I had only babysat a couple times. I didn’t have younger siblings or cousins to look after.
At the same time, I was taught to tend to others’ needs so intensely in other ways that now I’m relearning how to tend to my own needs.
You and I both have endometriosis, which makes self-tending even trickier. Do you have a self-care routine – for either body or mind – that helps you work with this condition?
Yes? No? I mean I still have quite a bit of pain, and I’ve been trying to get an appointment with a pain specialist for years. So I’m definitely not the model of self care here. My heat pad is the best tool I have for soothing my body. (I had a nurse tell me, “I know you have endo, because of the way you talk about your heat pad!”)
Mentally it has helped me to let go of some of the guilt of needing to take breaks. I’ve had stretches where I thought if I just ate really well or lost weight that would help. Unfortunately doing those things didn’t do any good, and they really just put more pressure on me to feel better. I try to trust my husband when he says “I’ve got this. Go put your heat pack on.”
At this point my son also knows about heat packs and cramps, so if I’m with him, sometimes we’ll watch TV together and I’ll put the heat pack on. Just having that as a back up plan, instead of trying to power through, helps me too.
I can strongly relate to your relationship with your heating pad. It is very much a fourth family member for us – it even joins us on most vacations!
In what other ways do you tend to your body, and to your interior life?
I tend to others by noticing what they need and want and finding ways to give it to them, and I try to do the same thing with myself, even when it feels like meeting my own wants and needs is impossible. I’ve learned that noticing and acknowledging without judgment is still a kind of tending, even if I can’t always take action right away.
On a practical level, my self care often looks like going for a walk and listening to a funny podcast, sneaking in a quick meditation session when I’m in the car line at school, doing my hair, wearing something sparkly, working on my own projects before I do client work, or putting my robe on and forgetting about the world.
People often turn to me when they have good news to share, because I’m good at celebrating big and small wins, and I try to do that for myself too.
I tend to others by noticing what they need and want and finding ways to give it to them, and I try to do the same thing with myself, even when it feels like meeting my own wants and needs is impossible. I’ve learned that noticing and acknowledging without judgment is still a kind of tending, even if I can’t always take action right away. – Heidi Fiedler
You and I connected through your interview series, Mothers Who Make, which invites creative parents to share insights from their practice, and in particular how they balance creativity and care-taking. What inspired you to begin this project?
Motherhood is inherently creative, and even though I have less time and energy, I’ve found I’m more creatively ambitious in motherhood. I have bigger, more interesting ideas, creative work is more precious to me, and I feel more urgency around sharing my vision. The Mothers Who Make interviews shine a light on women who are finding a way to make creativity a part of their lives, even when the demands on them are intense, and it feels like it doesn’t make sense to carve out time for them or their art. Again and again I hear mothers say how nourishing it is to have a creative practice. Mothers need something that’s just theirs, something that lets them express themselves, something that lets them play. And the world needs mothers’ art. We have so much wisdom to share!
I would imagine that each person is unique in terms of how they balance (or don’t balance) tending themselves, tending their craft and tending other beings. That said, do you notice any overarching trends?
Many mothers say they’ve learned how to make art in tiny pockets of time. I imagine all the mothers I’ve interviewed would like more time and know just what they would do with it, but we’ve also learned that if we look for opportunities to be creative, we will find them. I used to think I needed a week in a cabin to really focus and make progress on my writing, but that’s never going to happen, so I’ve found ways to write during nap time and in the car line. When you’re in the thick of it, creativity may also look like inventing a game with your kids, improvising a lullaby, doodling in your sketchbook, or picking wildflowers for a bouquet. Indulging in those small acts of creativity will make it easier to dip into that energy and find your flow when you have the time and energy for a bigger project.
I used to think I needed a week in a cabin to really focus and make progress on my writing, but that’s never going to happen, so I’ve found ways to write during nap time and in the car line. When you’re in the thick of it, creativity may also look like inventing a game with your kids, improvising a lullaby, doodling in your sketchbook, or picking wildflowers for a bouquet. – Heidi Fiedler
What kinds of creative projects are people tending in your community right now?
I’m constantly being inspired by the variety and quality of the work we’re doing! Caroline Milby is writing mom bops. Sofia Real is dreaming up new recipes.
is writing bestsellers. Claudia Wool is weaving tapestries. Stephanie Forshee is growing flowers. is writing a memoir. is experimenting with natural pigments. I know these projects are life giving to these artists. And I don’t see how they can’t make the world a better place! They’re full of joy, wonder, and beauty.What key ingredients do you think are necessary for folks who are looking to include parents, particularly parents of young children, in their communities?
This is such a great question. I recently received a fellowship, which felt like an encouraging sign from the universe, but I don’t think I’ll ever be able to use it, because there’s no childcare or travel funds. I would love to join that writing community and make new connections, but it’s not practical for where I am right now. My son is seven, and I still find it hard to leave the house for simple things like getting a haircut. I need the stars to align with my health, my husband’s health, my son’s health, school schedules, work schedules, doctors appointments, and required errands like getting groceries. So I appreciate communities that offer flexible timing and/or an online component so I can participate remotely.
Beyond flexibility and money, I would like to see more communities encourage parents to unapologetically show up as parents, not simply inviting them and then expecting them to hide that they’re parents. I would like to see more creative communities make parenting a topic of conversation in their art. Care giving, parenting, and childhood are rich topics that deserve the attention of artists and thinkers. I would love to see this work not just accepted but celebrated in bold ways!
I would like to see more communities encourage parents to unapologetically show up as parents, not simply inviting them and then expecting them to hide that they’re parents. I would like to see more creative communities make parenting a topic of conversation in their art. – Heidi Fiedler
To what mentors, teachers or texts do you turn when you’re looking for more inspiration?
I’ve learned a lot from Ingrid Fetell Lee about how joy has been dismissed as a (feminine) superfluous part of life, when it’s really essential to our collective health and success. I love her book Joyful.
I’ve been learning about mindset and energy from Kaileen Elise Sues, Tamra Michelle, Anna Gannon, and Payal Corley. Sometimes my life is a mess, but I can still smile, do something that feels good, and trust that more good things are coming, even if nothing makes sense right now. They all model that approach really beautifully.
One connecting thread I notice in the work of the people who most inspire you is an emphasis on trusting one’s intuition. In my experience, mindfulness practice can be very supportive in this regard – it has helped me to trust not only the experts “out there” but the expert “in here.” I find that this is something many readers are interested in too, and it is something many of us still struggle with.
Do you have any particular practices that help you tap into your own intuition?
One way I tune into my intuition is by noticing my personal preferences. That might look like watching a movie and thinking about why the ending felt a little off and what I might have done differently if I was the director. Or I might try sampling a bunch of different socks, teas, lipsticks (or whatever!) and seeing which one I like best. Knowing what I like and making that a part of my art, and my daily life, is one way I get to know my intuition and let it take the lead. It can be hard not to second guess and think “Who am I to choose this?” but there really is no right or wrong to it. There’s just you and your way.
When life is extra noisy, and it feels too hard to tune into my inner voice, sometimes I “borrow” someone else’s voice by listening to an uplifting podcast or listening to affirmations. It might not help me tune into my intuition, but it changes the conversation in my head.
Knowing what I like and making that a part of my art, and my daily life, is one way I get to know my intuition and let it take the lead. It can be hard not to second guess and think “Who am I to choose this?” but there really is no right or wrong to it. There’s just you and your way. – Heidi Fiedler
Another question I get a lot when talking about mindfulness with friends is about discerning the difference between one’s intuition and the other thoughts that might be knocking around in one’s head, as well as the other larger cultural narratives we may internalize from day to day.
For example, we might be distracted or dissuaded from our goals by thoughts that sound like intuition, but may instead be coming from a place of anxiety, addiction or other mental health struggles. Conversely, we might attribute our successes to things like manifestation, while failing to acknowledge the real role that racial or gender privilege can play in how easily we can access certain resources.
How do you find your own signal in all of this noise? How do you help other parents in your creative communities, or on your client roster, to do the same?
I’ve struggled with this a lot. Life is so noisy, and everyone has strong opinions about it. It can be really hard to tune out all the shoulds and know how I feel about something. The more I practice, the more I can tell the difference between the two.
One exercise I learned from Kaileen is to picture a switch where you can turn off the mind (or the other voices) and turn on your intuition. It sounds so simple, but it helps me.
Anything else I haven’t asked you that you’d like to talk about?
I hope we are entering an era when it’s understood that there’s more than one way to do something. Tending is about noticing and responding to what’s needed. When we tend to our lives, noticing what’s really possible and what’s needed right now, it’s clear that we can be creative, even if it doesn’t look the way a traditional artist’s life might look. We can cast off shoulds and old narratives and care for our children in ways that reflect the world we want to live in. We can make choices for our bodies and our families based on our own wants and needs, rather than social pressures. We can take an unexpected path to parenting and embrace our differences. We can give ourselves permission to grow and change throughout our entire lives.
True tending and thriving requires nuance and personal attention. The world pushes and flattens us to be generic, productive people without needs or wants. Tending anything, whether it’s a plant, a small child, or a painting, is a beautiful act of resistance.
Tending is an act of resistance. What a beautiful sentiment, and of course I agree!
Where can people find you if they want to engage further with your work?
You can visit my website: https://www.helloheidifiedler.com/
Find me on Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/heidifiedler/
Or subscribe to my newsletter!
Your turn: What does tending as resistance look like for you in this season? Any other questions for Heidi? We’d love to hear from you below.
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This interview is so inspiring to me as a mother, as a creative person, and as a person embarking on a creative project of my own. My newsletter is the first time I've been in complete creative control of my writing — and it's amazing how motherhood is what inspired me to make the leap.
I never tire of this topic!