Ah yes, my old friends the four horsemen. In my past relationship, we regularly hit all four (always the overachiever!) Agree the loving kindness meditation is helpful in taking things down a notch and getting your own horseman in hand. The amount of times I did it. That said, it takes both partners to change a dance. If you’re the only person doing the reflecting and the meditating, sometimes love means being clear-eyed about that. Divorce *is* exhausting—wouldn’t recommend it if you can help it!—and also it ends.
Absolutely. It is SO frustrating to know that the only hindrances we can work on are our own -- and our loved ones have their own work to do. If they cannot or will not do that work, it can really hurt. If this also means they are continuously causing us real harm, then the most compassionate thing to do is to get ourselves to safety, and give ourselves the necessary conditions to grieve. For this reason, divorce is not always a worst-case scenario, because it can create those conditions, and allow real healing to take place.
Having eyes open with relational torpor, in my mind, is about understanding what happens when we *are* the person who doesn't want to do their half of the work. Like the animals in the "Little Red Hen" story, no one is saying that you're morally bad if you don't want to plant the wheat, grind the grain or knead the dough. But if you choose not to do this, don't be surprised when you're no longer invited to share the bread.
Ah yes, my old friends the four horsemen. In my past relationship, we regularly hit all four (always the overachiever!) Agree the loving kindness meditation is helpful in taking things down a notch and getting your own horseman in hand. The amount of times I did it. That said, it takes both partners to change a dance. If you’re the only person doing the reflecting and the meditating, sometimes love means being clear-eyed about that. Divorce *is* exhausting—wouldn’t recommend it if you can help it!—and also it ends.
Absolutely. It is SO frustrating to know that the only hindrances we can work on are our own -- and our loved ones have their own work to do. If they cannot or will not do that work, it can really hurt. If this also means they are continuously causing us real harm, then the most compassionate thing to do is to get ourselves to safety, and give ourselves the necessary conditions to grieve. For this reason, divorce is not always a worst-case scenario, because it can create those conditions, and allow real healing to take place.
Having eyes open with relational torpor, in my mind, is about understanding what happens when we *are* the person who doesn't want to do their half of the work. Like the animals in the "Little Red Hen" story, no one is saying that you're morally bad if you don't want to plant the wheat, grind the grain or knead the dough. But if you choose not to do this, don't be surprised when you're no longer invited to share the bread.