Initiation Writes Back: Helping each other to sit with the questions
Introducing a new advice column of sorts, where I hope you'll weigh in!
This week, I’m trying something new: an advice column of sorts, centered around stories of initiation. I’m doing so for two reasons.
As a longtime writer and educator, I get asked a lot of questions about — you guessed it —writing and education. It’s my own fault; I’m not much for small talk. I’m a Go There person. At parties or at daycare pickup, I would so much rather talk about combating self-doubt as a writer, or about navigating a tricky situation involving small children and school adults, than about which soccer league little Jimmy is joining this year. That said, I often feel stymied by the circumstances. I often wish that I could provide more breadth, gathering multiple perspectives on the issue beyond my own. Or that I could provide more depth, taking the time to sit down and think it through more thoughtfully, instead of furtively answering a friend’s SOS via Instagram DM, or while refereeing a fight between two toddlers at the playground. Ideally in a way that would allow me to save our conversation for future reference, for the next person who asks.
I’m a huge fan of advice columns and writing myself. Here on Substack, I love columns like
, , and Dear Susu on . I’m also a devotee of the NYT’s The Ethicist and Social Q’s, Slate’s Ask a Teacher and Care and Feeding, and The Atlantic’s Dear Therapist column and podcast. There’s something so satisfying about reading advice columns that don’t just offer an easy answer, but a new way to think about a question. At the same time, I also appreciate when the advice-giver does choose to render a bracing, clear-cut verdict on some sticky matter —one that the letter writer might not be willing or able to accept from any other source in their lives. Good advice-givers know how to discern between these two types of medicine: the need for re-framing and the need for real fixing. I think that discernment, in and of itself, is the art of the form.
Developing that discernment is a lifelong goal for me. I am hoping that through these occasional posts, we can cultivate it together as a community, figuring out ways to better sit with the questions, or to shake someone by the shoulders when and if we have their consent. A willingness to show up with curiosity and kindness is the only qualification you need to comment; I invite you to chime in as often as you’d like.
What kinds of questions will be asked and answered here?
I think of these initiation FAQs (and many of the letters posed to advice columnists) as falling into these common categories:
I just entered a difficult situation and I feel lost. I am no longer who I was and I do not know who I am now. How do I orient myself?
I am moving through the woods of initiation and want to feel less alone. How do I find fellow travelers?
I just finished an initiation and am exhausted. How and where do I rest?
I am looking back on a prior initiation and wanting to share my knowledge. How and where do I do so?
I am mentoring someone else through a difficult initiation, and/or creating spaces where many people can move through important initiations, and I want to do this better. Where do I start? How do I keep going when the going gets rough for me, or for the initiates in my care?
To kick off this series, I’ll start with a question related to the last category of initiation. I’ll answer it myself in an upcoming post, but first, I’d like to open it up to others here to take the first crack. Let’s all help this brave first reader as she figures out how best to support her daughter during an all-too-familiar stage of initiation: surviving middle school.
Some brief backstory:
A friend in Florida – let’s call her Aubrey – reached out to me via Instagram DM about a controversial last-minute change made at her daughter’s middle school, one that had cascading impacts throughout the school community. I gave Aubrey some initial thoughts of my own, and also asked her if I could share her question in this space, to gather more perspectives from the wise readers here. She agreed. Her response below has been edited for content and clarity, and names have been changed.
Ryan,
Can I get your thoughts on something that’s making me mad right now?
Here’s the deal: the rules for school uniforms at my daughter Millie’s magnet middle school in Florida have changed this year. Skirts and skorts for girls, previously an option, are now off the menu. Instead, the new uniform code called for shorts and pants for all.
The news was disseminated just a few days before school started. It was passed along informally, through the school’s social media channels — which I don’t consistently read – and through parents texting and emailing one another. No reason was given for the change.
We went shopping because, learning this at last minute, we didn’t have any time to order things online. Another thing I hate–shopping. One reason is because Millie will not wear anything that is remotely itchy or stiff. The uniform rules state that shorts can only be two inches above the knee. The only brands that make actual uniform shorts for girls in khaki and navy use material that is super thick and uncomfortable. Millie hates them. So, our only option for warmer weather days in Florida is boys’ shorts, since boys are regularly sold knee-length shorts in nice light moisture-wicking fabrics.
Millie has it way easier than some of her friends who are still really short and have bigger bodies. They wore skirts to accommodate that, and now can’t find well-fitting pants or shorts for their body type. They feel so awkward.
My daughter isn’t acting as bothered as I am because she is a rule-follower and hates to stand out. She would rather just follow the new rules than have me fight it. It’s a principle to me, though. Who cares if girls have short shorts, or wear skirts? Why should boys allowed to wear clothing that feels comfortable and “normal” to them, while girls are being forced to stuff themselves into clothing they wouldn’t choose otherwise? Is this really affecting the education process?
What are your thoughts from an educator standpoint? Am I just a whiny parent? Am I totally crazy? I’d love a new way to look at it.
— Aubrey
How will we answer letters here?
Below are some general themes and questions I’m hoping to use to guide my own responses in this space, inviting us all to be in what Paolo Freire calls praxis around a given issue. That is: not just reflecting, but planning and taking action, and then reflecting again on what we learn from the action.
Reflecting:
Identity: What is this initiation telling us, or people inside the situation, about who they are or are supposed to be?
Belonging: What is this initiation telling us, or people inside the situation, about whether their authentic selves are welcome? If not, what must be repressed, removed or changed for initiates to feel that they are now permitted to belong?
Purpose: What is this initiation telling us, or people inside the situation, about how the community views the collective purpose, and how it views each person’s role in that collective purpose?
Acting:
Science: What can research and studies tell us about this issue? What do they suggest we know and do, if anything?
Storytelling: What can stories from the past, from literature, or from our own lived experiences, tell us about this issue? What do they suggest we know and do, if anything?
Spirituality: What can our deeply-held values and beliefs tell us about this issue? What about our spiritual practices for accessing intuition or clarity, should we have them? What do they suggest that we know and do, if anything?
Finally, we’ll decide: What are the implications of all of the above, for this specific issue? Does this require real fixing, re-framing or both?
Folks are welcome to answer any of these questions for themselves and for Aubrey in the comments.
Looking forward to digging more deeply into this with all of you next week! May you enjoy a smooth, drama-free start to your own school year in the meantime. (And if not, please send in your own tricky situation to initiationwrites@gmail.com, if you’d like to be next in the series)!
Fwiw this is one of my favorite things about you! “It’s my own fault; I’m not much for small talk. I’m a Go There person.”
I’ve got nothing on the uniform question (besides the fact that it seems like a real district communications and policy miss) but as a fellow advice column enthusiast, I love the framework and am curious to hear how you responded.