Last week, parent and educator
and I talked about the tensions between the community and the individual that can arise when you enter the K-12 years with your child. Often, as adult community-tenders, we have to hold the line when it comes to creating norms and routines that serve the whole community or family vs. catering to each individual whim within it.That said, there are real equity issues that can arise when a “one size fits all” approach fails to actually fit all. As caregivers and community-tenders, it is incumbent upon us to find a middle way.
In my case, my child, who is neurodivergent, has always struggled to stay steady during morning meeting, a common issue for many active children; to stay self-regulated during transitions, a common time of trouble for many kids who are sensitive to touch and noise; and to negotiate social situations on the playground skillfully. My child’s learning needs are not needs he chose to have, and to penalize him for them would further discourage him from seeing school as a place where he can belong and succeed. Conversely, providing my son with school-based accommodations such as flexible or preferential seating during direct instruction, visual schedules and noise-canceling headphones to support him through transitions, and small group social skills instruction provided by a school counselor, can all help him to access the curriculum on offer in his classroom.
Enter: the Individualized Education Plan (IEP). IEPs lay all of this out: the struggles a child is having, the supports that are needed, a plan for how to provide all of that within a given education setting. IEPs are essentially a highly technical “How to Care for This Unique Kid” guide for school staff.
Sounds great, right? It can be, but as
and I discuss below, it can also be stressful to put these plans together. First, a team of folks has to gather data on your child — a process that’s often painless for them, but can be painful when it comes time to hear the results. (No one likes to hear that their child is having a hard time in school, but sometimes this is the case.) These team members will use the results of their testing to co-author an individualized plan for your child with you — but only if the data supports it, which it may not. So, while your thoughts as a parent/guardian carry special weight in the IEP process, it can also bring up waves of vulnerability and reactivity that can require a significant amount of self-tending.
Given the high-stakes nature of these meetings for parents of “atypical kids,” as Kate calls them, we decided to get together after my most recent IEP meeting to walk folks through the ways in which we prepare for, breathe through, and debrief after these meetings. While we use the term “ritual” a lot, my hope is that these ideas sound pragmatic rather than precious (example: one of my rituals includes eating a huge pile of curly fries).
We recorded this interview during a Nor’easter on my end (#Massachusetts), so the video contains some technical difficulties. Given that, I’ve included highlights from the transcript below to allow folks to quickly scan for the info in which they are most interested.
May this debrief video and transcript be of benefit to all home grownups and school grownups who know the particular struggle of bridging the gap between school communities and “atypical” children, and who are looking for ways to suffer a little less throughout this process.
INTRO: WHEN RYAN MET KATE
(Note: in the video, intros begin at 2:20)
Ryan: I'd love to just kind of touch on how we came to this topic briefly. You and I know each other as writers. I really admired your writing, and I was sort of lurking in your comments section for a while as I was starting my own Substack, and then reached out to you as I was going through the first [Individualized Education Plan] process with my son when he was in pre-K. And you were such an amazing support to me.
When we decided to get together for our podcast episode, the plan was to connect as writers and to talk about our practices, and how they were supporting us as parents of children with special needs. But it kind of became one of those sped-mom conversations where it's just like, “Oh, man, do you like your school? Are they doing a good job? What does your kid’s IEP look like?”
This then organically became a conversation about how we as practitioners of mindfulness approach something that is dysregulating, or can be dysregulating.
IEP MEETINGS 101
Ryan: For folks who might be in the process of getting their kids evaluated, or may just want to learn more, an IEP is an individualized education program that we devise for children who need sort of a tailored approach to their education.
Typically, as an educator in K-12, working in a gen ed setting, we're receiving a child who may have ADHD, or they may have an ASD diagnosis, or they may be dyslexic. And so we are getting together to look at documents, look at different ways of evaluating that child. You have a school psychologist assess them, a special education teacher assess them, sometimes an occupational therapist will chime in, depending on what you want, or a speech-language pathologist. And then everyone will come together to talk about how these are the strengths, these are the areas of struggle, and what kind of supports are needed. And then you together write a legal document that encodes that for the rest of the school year and for the next calendar year.
It’s designed to be supportive, and sometimes it doesn't feel that way. Because you're being confronted with all this information all at once about your child, some of which is kind of hard to hear, especially if you're hearing about their areas of struggle. You may come with an agenda or an intention for your child; you may really want certain services for your child or a certain setting for your child. And [while] the process is designed to honor your wishes as a parent, the data may not always support you getting what you hoped for.
Kate: And it's not just the data. Sometimes it's like, the school doesn't employ that particular therapist, and so they want to dissuade you from having it on their IEP. Which is illegal, but still happens. Or the school doesn't offer a certain configuration of the class, and so they try and change what your child's is. But the child is supposed to be the center whatever the child's individual needs are, to access a free and appropriate public education [also known as FAPE].
This is all in the U.S., of course. If you're coming in from other places, they might have different names. Feel free to put in the chat what's different for you. We'd love to hear about it, because I'm very U.S.-centric and even New York State-centric.
Ryan: I was too [until recently], so I'm now learning about Massachusetts, and the ins and outs and differences in terms of what settings are on offer.
DROPPING INTO THE BODY
Kate: So before we go on, this is feeling to me very much “in my head.” And I'd love to just have an opportunity for us to get into our bodies a little bit. We're not going to jump up and down this time [which we totally did in our podcast episode], but you can do some shaking, some grounding, for self-regulation–for that feeling of not getting kind of stuck in our heads, but feeling in our body.
So I invite you to kind of wiggle your toes a little. Just feel your toes. Maybe if you can, even circle your feet on your ankles, if that's available…
[Note: Kate’s meditation can be found in the video above, from 7:33-8:59]
Kate: Ryan, how are you feeling? I'd love to hear. Like immediately before the IEP meeting, immediately afterward, and then how you're feeling today too, because that was yesterday, right?
BEFORE THE MEETING
Ryan: Yes. So I noticed that in the few hours leading up to the IEP meeting, I felt a sort of a sense of holding and tension. I know that my son has a great team and we would be walking into a mostly supportive space, which is a privilege. Not everybody has that. But I think I was aware of the stakes. You know, it's not where as a meditator, I feel I can be unattached. I am attached. I want things for my child. They're specific. I'm hoping to get them. And so there's tension and a holding that comes along with that.
I'm fortunate that my husband is usually the driver in our family, so often if we're driving to his school, I'll push my feet into the ground, feel my hands on my thighs, and roll my shoulders back. Because if I'm protecting my heart, which, of course [I might] in this scenario, I might be rolling my shoulders forward and breathing shallowly. So I’m [opening them up], sending my body the message that it’s safe.
DURING THE MEETING
Then, during the meeting, I relaxed somewhat just because I had the privilege of sitting around a table with the human beings in the meeting.
That has not necessarily always been my experience as a teacher. For folks who don't know, I was a middle school teacher for quite a while. I [most recently] worked in an all-inclusion setting, so the whole school was co-taught from top to bottom, and many of our students had IEPs. I would frequently be on the call to talk about literacy. And it makes a really big difference when you're hunched over a conference call telephone setup, and you can't really see the faces of the people involved. Maybe the person chairing the meeting is a stranger, which is often the case. School psychologists will often run the meeting, but they're not always based in the school. And so it's talking to a bunch of strangers about a child that you care deeply about, and sometimes they've never met them, or met them only briefly.
[In my case], all of the people in the room, with my child, they've taken the time to get to know him throughout the year. The principal chose to attend, which is really unusual. That's not typically someone you can expect to be sitting in with your child's IEP team. But in this case, the principal has a special relationship with my child. So she chose to be there. And she's also new this year. So I think she's sort of learning about how the team functions, which is fine.
I was telling you before that our conversation really inspired me to make note of my child's strengths before I went into the room. Correct me if I'm wrong, but you write a letter–
Kate: Yeah, or just a list. It’s usually afterward, if I'm feeling kind of like I need to slough off some of the yucky feelings after the meeting.
I'll write either a letter, or just a list of all of my kids' strengths, that really didn't get to be highlighted during the meeting. Because we were advocating for services, and when they start to hear, “Oh so-and-so is doing really well in such-and-such,” they might think that that child is doing as well as their peers, when what we mean is they're doing really well compared to their past self, and they continue to need these services in order to progress, right? It's not like, “Oh, they're done and they don't need any help anymore.”
Ryan: Exactly. When they start saying, “Oh, they're starting to reach these grade level benchmarks…” you're like, “Do not take my free [occupational therapy] away.”
Kate: It's not even that it's free, although that is important, but that it is integrated into the school, and that makes that OT, especially if it's for sensory integration, it makes it possible to access learning. And gosh, so many people don't understand that.
Ryan: Yes. It's just more eyes on your child with more areas of expertise. My child has sensory integration issues, and sometimes the OT can really be their greatest champion.
[Note: In the video, storm-related technical difficulties ensue from 14:44-16:46]
THE POWER OF PREVIEWING
Ryan: I just want to honor somebody in the chat had said, “To help you feel calmer in the future, you should get ample warning if those services are going to be removed.” And yes, that is an ideal scenario. Yet this process is so different, every single time I've gone through it, just based on who is being assessed, who is doing the assessing, who is doing the communicating, what kinds of communication lines are or are not open between the family and the [teacher]. So something that is highly regulated still ends up being very unique. And very unpredictable.
So part of it, I think, is just accepting that there will be some surprises and also acknowledging if you have the kind of background where surprises are incredibly challenging, it can be helpful to do something that I suggested on the podcast, which is just scheduling sort of a preview call with whoever is on the team, somebody that you trust, and saying, “Can you please go over this with me? Can you help me know what to expect?” Especially if it is your first meeting.
And if you have this ritual of writing down a list of your child's strengths, it can also be a place to elicit that, and just say, “You know, I would really love to write down a list of strengths to carry with me into the meeting or afterwards, to remind myself and my child of their wholeness. Can you help me make that list?”
AFTER THE MEETING
Ryan: The outcome of the meeting was positive, and we got the supports that we wanted for our son. We felt he was affirmed in his strengths and that there was a plan to support his areas of relative strength. There are some areas where he would benefit from being exposed to curriculum that's above grade level. I was really happy to see that that was being supported along with his areas of struggle–that we weren't just hyper focused on that.
And so there was really a whoosh feeling after the meeting.
Sometimes for me it can be hard for me to move out of fight or flight, and something that is helpful for me is to have a warming food as a somatic way back into my body. And so we went to get burgers.
Kate: Comfort food.
Ryan: Oh yeah. I wasn’t having, like, golden milk and some avocado toast or something. We straight up went and had curly fries. So there was that.
And then, when we got home I crawled into bed. I had taken the afternoon off. I have a heating pad that I use. I have a weighted blanket. And I just crawled in there, and I fell asleep for three hours.
Kate: Yes! That sounds delicious and just right.
So even when it's a positive outcome, it's still a stress on your nervous system, right?
Ryan: Yes. And even if this isn't my first rodeo, right? Like, I've done this so many times. But with my own child, it’s different. Being in the parent's seat is very different than being in the teacher's seat. They're both stressful, but being in the parent's seat is magnitudes harder.
THE NEXT DAY
Kate: So how are you feeling today?
Ryan: Today, I think that what I'm feeling is a desire to move. I do [somatic] shaking after a big meeting, to sort of move the energy. So even though I'm still very tired today, I will probably do a yoga practice, or I might just, like, go shake it up and down in the bathroom.
Kate: You can shake right here if you want to.
Ryan: Look, I don't want to compromise our sound any more than we already have. [Laughs.]
But yeah, so there's sort of that emotional hangover.
Kate: It's still vulnerable, right? Even though you were in a place that felt like friends instead of foes. I mean, there have been times I've been in IEP meetings–it hasn't been that many lately, for sure–but there definitely have been times I've been in IEP meetings and I feel like, “We're on opposite sides of a battle.” And I know lots of other parents have felt that.
Ryan: Yes. Yes.
Kate: So the advice to have a check-in beforehand is fantastic. And I always do try to establish a relationship with people. You know, they're people. Yeah, they're doing a job. Yeah, they're the experts. But ultimately, they're people. And when we have a relationship, it feels less antagonistic.
Ryan: Yeah, absolutely.
HOW IEPS ARE USED AFTER THEY’RE MADE
Kate: So when we were talking about the IEP, you were talking about the services. That's usually the main thing people are focused on. What about the goals?
Ryan: So again, I know probably people on this call are familiar with the process, and that's why you're here. But if not, you get the areas of struggle, you figure out which supports are needed, and then you sort of write the recipe [for what their tailored education will look like, with related goals].
I really appreciate that it isn't sort of left open-ended and fuzzy in terms of what the plan is meant to accomplish. But everybody writes goals differently. And I have, like, feelings and thoughts about that as a teacher… It can also be very difficult [for teachers] to track IEP goals. So again, I appreciate the spirit of it, and in practice it doesn’t always work.
So with my son, many of his goals are around his socio-emotional well-being and learning. … He’s very funny and very engaging and silly… but sometimes he misses social cues and struggles with emotional self-regulation. So as you said, it's really helpful to have providers that are in the school because you can go and meet in a room outside of the classroom where they can really internalize the skills, but then [school counselors] can push in and they help kids actually practice the skills in the general classroom environment. That generalizing piece is really, really tricky. So I'm excited to see what's in store.
For me, though, the primary benefit of the IEP is because we're moving to a new district and there will be teachers that don't know my son, and it's important for him to be seen.
And of course, an IEP, as we've established [in the podcast], it's not the end-all be-all. It's not a biblical document. It's a snapshot. But it is something that you can come back to.
[For example], I have a neurodivergent child who, because of his sensory issues, will sometimes have meltdowns. And sometimes, because he has some tactile defensiveness, if a kid's too close to him in line, he might lash out. And those moments are when I get the calls home. And it's important for me to circle back and say, “You know, these are known issues that are related to his sensory integration struggles. These are not behavioral decisions that he's making. He's not making a choice to shove another kid away from him.”
Kate: Yeah, exactly.
Ryan: So it's helping them understand: when is a consequence appropriate? And when is more support appropriate? Because certainly there are some situations in which consequences are appropriate. But there is a gap between research and practice in terms of teachers really understanding how sensory integration issues play into behavior in the classroom, and how much kids can control, and how much is beyond their control. So [the IEP] is there as a protection for him, should there be concerns about his behavior.
Because right now we're really working on making sure that he can hold his head up high in the classroom, that he feels like he's an important, valued, loved member of the community. Which I can't control fully as a parent, because I'm not there in the classroom. But it does sort of feel like I'm sending him with something, going into that environment, that’s like a protective cloak or something.
Kate: Yes, exactly.
Ryan: Even if the teachers don't necessarily apply it in the way that I am hoping, it's something that I can use and apply in conversations should it come up. [I can say], “It’s right here, in this legal document.” [And a teacher can say], “Yes, I probably should have, you know, looked at that, and done it.”
Kate: I feel like consequences, especially in school, are about how the adult is feeling, not about what's best for the child. But that's a totally different conversation we can have.
Ryan: We could have that conversation.
Kate: Yeah, we should.
ADVOCATING FOR CHILD-AFFIRMING LANGUAGE AND INCLUSION
Kate: I'm trying to remember who I learned this from or who I heard this from: “By reading the IEP you should know an ideal gift to give a child for their birthday.” I just love that. Like, it's not just about their deficits. It's about getting a picture of them that would give you enough information to be able to buy them a birthday gift.
Ryan: I love that. That's beautiful. A picture of a whole child, and not just, “Here is a collection of struggles and headaches that you're going to have, and ways that we're going to control them, and make the teacher's life easier.”
Kate: And how many times they're going to have OT, and for how long. Those are important, and that's usually what we're advocating for, but I've advocated for other things too.
One of them, when the goals are about deficits, is “Can we make it more neurodivergence affirming? In some way that is …about how to help him feel safer and give him the agency he needs to do what he needs so he can learn and be part of the community, rather than just something that's distracting others?”
Ryan: Right. The goal isn't, “Be less distracting to other kids.” The goal is, “Integrate into the school community.”
Kate: I remember there one year that Ocean had a very experienced teacher, and I went into the classroom for something, and they all went back to their desks to do a writing assignment. And I went over and I said, “Ocean, this is your chair!” And all the kids at his table said, “No, Ocean's Mama. He does not sit while he's writing. Ocean stands at the desk while he's writing. That's how he does writing.” Inclusion had really been just embedded into the culture of the classroom.
Ryan: I love that. My son also stands when he writes, so shout out to flexible seating preferences, too.
I love the phrase “neurodiversity-affirming.” It's one that I think I've picked up from you, and that I have been using more when I talk about this process with my partner. He's a wonderful dad, very involved. He’ll read all the books, do all the things. But I think that there's such a difference when you think about neurodiversity-affirming language, versus some of the language that people will use by default [in books] that is more pathologizing, or it's more Othering. There are so many things that our neurodivergent children can do that aren't connected to a pathology, that are just connected to a difference. Or at Bank Street [the education school where I received my graduate degrees], we would call it a “developmental variation.”
I read a book recently that [put it this way]: “It’s really helpful to know that you're a zebra and not just a weird horse.”
Kate: Right.
Ryan: So when I think about neurodiversity affirming language, I think about it as being descriptive – in that what we're talking about is a zebra. We're not talking about a disordered horse. We're talking about a different being.
I think it is such a great practice to really think about the language of this document, and what an act of political resistance it is to think, “Can we really interrogate, on a line by line level, whether this is pathologizing language or whether this is affirming language?”
INCLUDING TEENS IN THE PROCESS
Kate: We had [Ocean’s] first high school IEP meeting, and he was sitting there.
Ryan: How was that?
Kate: He just seemed bored, but he had an opportunity to talk about how he thought he was doing. They had some good guided questions. It wasn't just, like, “How are you doing?” They would read part of the IEP, and then ask him what he thought of that, and what supports he thought were appropriate. I was really appreciative that this school that has the neurodiversity affirming – not just language, but perspective, really down. They've been doing this a long time.
So sure, he was bored, but I'm really glad that he got to stay in it. And then he was able to leave when we were done with the more interesting part and got down to brass tacks. It was a nice way to ease him into having more agency over his own document. It's really his. It's not ours.
Ryan: And it's totally appropriate for a 14 year old to be metacognitive about what supports them, and to be able to self-advocate.
Kate: To the extent that he can.
Ryan: Exactly. Within the range of their ability to do so. To be able to remind a teacher, “You know, I'm supposed to get a standing desk.”
Kate: Right. He's a great advocate for himself.
GRATITUDE FOR OUR SPED MOM FRIENDS
Kate: When I enticed you to come on today, I said, “Even for five minutes.” So I just want to express my appreciation for you coming on.
Ryan: I appreciate you too, Kate. We were talking before the call about how this is something that sped moms who've been in the game a while kind of learn to do for each other. Like, you know that your friend's going to get their documents a couple days before their meeting date. The meeting date's a big deal. They're probably going to need some aftercare on that day. And then there might be some verbal processing that needs to happen to keep moving the energy. And so I just appreciate that you did that for me. It's something I do for friends, and you knew that to do that for me.
So I think that’s really a takeaway too, is that that's something we can ask our friends to do. It's something we can do for our friends who are in these trenches with us. Just to debrief with them and let them speak on it.
I do think you also have a really beautiful way of coming back to the body, because this is such a thinky process. It's such a verbally mediated process. There's paperwork, there's email –
Kate: And emotion, right?
Ryan: So much emotion. And it can be really kind of an out of body experience. You can kind of go up here [motions to brain]. So I do just really appreciate the way that you really organically embed those moments into our conversations. That's something that is aspirational for me as a friend. If I have a friend sitting across from me who gets into that place of “And then…and what if…?!” and they're spiraling, sometimes the impulse is to add more words. “What if we tried this? Do you need this?”
I think your really organic invitations to drop into the body, they might not come naturally to some of us in our conversations with our loved ones, but it's something that I'm trying to do more of. Just to lean into the meditation teacher side of me and to say, “You know, I actually don't know. I really don't know what's going to happen. We can't know. But do you want to put your head in my lap and we'll breathe? Check in with our feet and see what's happening with them, and with our breath, see what's happening with that?”
It can seem so twee and precious sometimes, that guidance that I give, but it's so useful.
Kate: When you said put, “Put your head in my lap,” it melted something in me.
What I'm doing right now to regulate myself is so different from that. I'm making these little lines in my hand from squeezing so hard with my thumb. That is what is keeping me regulated, what's keeping me grounded in my body, and not having that out of body kind of experience.
And, if you do have an out of body experience, it's totally understandable. That's a protective mechanism, right? Sometimes we do leave, and come back, and we're like, “Where was I?”
Ryan: You said something so permissioning when I interviewed you, where you said, “Sometimes your body and your mind just need some space from one another.”
And I'm just like, “Yeah. My body's on that couch. My brain is on this couch. They're reading different magazines.” And we do need that. There's such a spirit of “It’s all okay,” with you and your practice, and it's something that I really admire.
CONTINUING TO INTEGRATE IN THE MONTHS AND YEARS AHEAD
Ryan: This process can just bring up so much, and it can bring up emotions that are really uncomfortable. It can bring up grief. It can bring up rage. It can bring up jealousy. It can bring up fear and anxiety. It can really stir the sediment up from the bottom.
Kate: There are two different things that come up when I talk to parents. One is, “I need to fight to get all of the services I can for my kids, so they get the most help.” And then there's the other side. It's like, “No, my child does not need that, and how dare you? Don't try and put my child in a box. Don't try to pull my child out of a general education setting. Don't try and put my child in a 6:1:1.” Or whatever.
[The latter] is totally valid because of what has happened in the past, especially with underrepresented groups, children of color, being put in the basement, not taught, not educated, and diagnosed with things that were just about keeping them excluded from being educated and being cared for and being supported.
So thank goodness that is mostly different now because of the laws that are in place [see: the history of legal protections for students with special needs here]. It has changed. But people's thinking is still often that way, with good reason.
Ryan: So much of it brings up our own trauma histories as students as well. As you said, even intergenerational trauma, entire marginalized communities and their experiences with schooling. There can be a lot of fear that's very valid, as you said.
Kate: And we all are swimming in the soup of ableism. We can't help it. We grew up in an ableist culture.
Ryan: I think it's very to a person and it's all okay. There is grief, because whenever we receive new information about our children that contradicts whatever we imagined before we had children, then there's a period of integration.
So you let them know [as a teacher] that their kid is struggling in school and you'd like to refer them, for evaluation and [sometimes], they're like, “Okay, fine, whatever,” and it's no big deal, [but] for some of them it takes years. I’ve had students where they come to me in seventh or eighth grade, and I’m seeing some challenges, and I ask the prior years’ teachers, “Did you ever bring up evaluation”?” And the sixth grade teacher says “Yes, we talked about it,” and the fifth grade teacher says “Yes,” and the fourth grade teacher says, “Yes we talked about it,” and that parent is still integrating new information and deciding what to do about it.
It's all common. There's no one speed or way. There's a range of [how parents] process things, which is kind of what we started talking about at the top of the call.
HOW OUR BODIES CAN PROTECT US THROUGH THIS PROCESS
Ryan: Going back to the body, I think that it's okay for parents to slow things down and check in with themselves. Like, “Is this suggestion making my body constrict?”
[See: this Windows Open, Windows Closed meditation]
If, for example, they had told me, “We think your child would be better off in a 12:1:1 setting,” I think I would have questioned that. For some children, it's very appropriate, and for Neil, I don't think it would be.
Whereas when they said, “We would really like to bring back the OT services he had two years ago; we think that he would really benefit,” there was such a sense of relief, because he really did benefit.
Kate: That's great.
Ryan: So even within a meeting where you're being offered services or setting recommendations or whatever, I think it's okay to really slow down the tape and say, “What's involved with that? Can you paint me a picture of what my child's day-to-day would actually look like if that were the case?” And then to check in with my body and ask myself, ‘Do I see that [for my child]?”
As you said, some of it might be internalized ableism. Like, “Well that would just mark them as different, and I don't think I would like that.” Versus, “No, I think my child wouldn't thrive under those conditions.” It would be too much. Or it would be too restrictive. Or it wouldn't be enough. Or I'm not hearing that these certain things are going to be supported to the degree that I want them to be.
So I think our bodies are really important protectors for us in these rooms.
And the practices that you offer are so helpful, and the reminders to come back to it are so helpful, because I don't know if it's my default even [to do that], you know?
Kate: I've been a yoga teacher for over 20 years and still, those first couple of years, I was not regulated, and it didn't occur to me to come back to my body during those meetings. I was just in complete panic and feeling so insecure. It's nice to be in a different place, and it's nice to be in this place with you.
Ryan: It’s great just to get to hear about your variety of experiences. My son is still very young, and I am so grateful to hear from folks who have been through this process many times, and have had that variety of experiences that we talked about. You've seen the good, you've seen the bad, you've had some positive meetings, [and] you've had some where you probably wanted to burn a whole thing down.
Kate: Or get up and run out of there.
SOMETIMES, THINGS WORK OUT
Kate: One thing that I didn't bring up during [our podcast episode on IEPs] that I would like to share is that I've spent days writing and researching and preparing, preparing, preparing on a mental level for these meetings.
And then I had this one meeting where my email completely stopped working. And the representative from the school called me and said, “I just wanted to remind you that we have this meeting in two hours.”
And I didn't want to cancel it, but I was just so overwhelmed by all the things. And I know this sounds like the most cliche self care advice, but I did not have time for preparation, so instead I really honored my nervous system and I got in a hot bath. I had, like, 20 minutes. I was like, “I'm going to soak, I'm going to dry off, get dressed, and sit in front of my computer.” And that was one of the best IEP meetings I think I've had.
Ryan: That makes all kinds of sense to me, that you did that. It is amazing how much better things can go when we bring a regulated nervous system to the proceedings.
And sometimes that is absolutely beyond our capacity and not realistic. Like, somebody else better bring it. That's not what I'm bringing to the potluck today.
Kate: And often it's nobody in the room.
Ryan: Yes. But you claimed such agency in that moment. It wasn't aggressive agency. It was soft, it was loving yourself, and that's what you brought.
Kate: Yeah, it all worked out. I love having the perspective of knowing, “Well, you know what? Things worked out. It wasn't the end of the world.”
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