Further Reading: Resources on fresh grief
I'm so sorry that you need these. May they help you to feel less alone.
I originally started writing on Substack in early 2023 as a way to process the grief of losing my daughter in late pregnancy in early 2022. Since then, this newsletter has grown to encompass a wide range of topics on motherhood, self-tending, and the intersections in between. But the heart of my work has always been about healing grief and burnout, and moving through these tough tending seasons into a space of happiness, health, and liberation.
If you have recently found yourself in a place of acute grief, I hope this collection of essays and other resources will serve as a trail of bread crumbs for you through this dark forest, and a sense that even if we may not know each other personally, I and many of the other grievers featured in these pages are walking beside you in spirit.
Essays
A piece I wrote for Roswell Park Cancer Center about supporting people who have recently lost a loved one to cancer, after losing my own brother to brain cancer when he was twenty-six and I was twenty-eight.
A piece that gives readers a rundown of my experiences with grief and healing, from losing my brother in 2013 to losing my daughter-to-be, Saule, in 2022 — and then returning to writing as a way to make sense of it all
Learning the truth about grief from trees
I got very into the work of Suzanne Simard, a remarkable ecologist who studies tree communities, after my 2022 pregnancy loss. I then wrote a lot about the mycelial web, as one does.
Mourning and re-making the village
More words inspired by Simard, as well as Indigenous wisdom and book recs, on rebuilding “the village.”
Millennials were made for this moment
Some specific observations on the ways in which Millennials have developed a more inclusive, transparent style of care than generations past, especially when it comes to previously stigmatized kinds of grief
In grief, we need our communities to support our right to rest
The topic of bereavement leave/being able to take time off of work is a huge and recurring one in the loss community. This piece talks about how my workplace in particular allowed me time to rest, but how this is not common and needs to be moreso. A useful read in particular for anyone who manages others and is looking for ways to be more supportive to team members moving through grief
When I don’t know what to do next, I watch the light
Some hard-won lessons I’ve learned while gardening and grief, and ways to chart a path forward when your previous life plans have recently been upended by loss.
The Complicated Mother’s Day Club
A guide to supporting people who have been through mother-related losses on Mother’s Day (and every day!)
The Red Thread that connects us all
On what I learned from my Korean neighbors about caring for all community members (originally written soon after my brother was diagnosed with brain cancer).
On the importance of being held in unconditional compassion by our communities (sangha) when we’re struggling – whether it’s a formal spiritual group we’re talking about, or just an old friend willing to sit with us on a park bench.
Interviews
Interview: the Rev Molly Bolton, former Cleveland Clinic chaplain and loss parent
Molly is a salty Southerner and a complete delight. She has some great clap-backs in here for people who offer unsolicited commentary on the bodies and choices of people moving through loss. She also has some great meditations on queerness and working with teens that I found life-affirming.
Interview: Hayley Manning, therapist and host of “Time to Talk TFMR”
Hayley has survived divorce, recurrent miscarriage, and termination for medical reasons (TFMR). She has one child and has chosen to focus on other creative avenues besides growing her family (hence the term she’s coined, “alternative rainbows,” which I think is such an empowering concept)
Interview: Jessica Van Wyn, facilitator at RTZ Hope (and devoted child-free-not-by-choice auntie)
Jess was my own grief group facilitator when I was recovering from my own late-term loss. She’s done a lot of advocacy within the Mormon community and believes passionately in the power of advocacy through storytelling. She does not have living children and is instead focusing on being an amazing auntie – she’s currently moving across the country to be closer to niblings. She has some mic-drop lines in this interview that will resonate with anyone with a similar story.
Interview: Rebecca Long and Colleen Little, authors of “I’m Sorry for My Loss”:
This book is highly recommended for anyone who is moving out of acute grief, and is ready to gain a larger perspective about the state of pregnancy loss in America. (Full disclosure: my story is in it.)
Other resources
The RTZ Hope website, where you’ll find my own grief group offerings (I typically co-facilitate two cohorts per year, one in the fall/winter and one in the winter/spring). You’ll also find other lovely offerings from my colleagues all year round.
The Dinner Party website, which offers a way for young adult grievers to gather at local tables together. I was a host for this organization for a while and I have only good things to say about them.
My potluck-planning template. This can be used to organize a community around supporting someone in grief, ensuring that they don’t get ten casseroles and do get at least one tub of hummus.
My trauma-informed baby guide for friends. I send this guide to friends who have been through perinatal loss, so that they can pick and choose the sections they want to read and skip the rest (i.e., if it doesn’t serve them to read a birth story, they don’t have to). It also has a lot of guidance on how dads/non-gestational partners can be active in baby’s care.